my place

2008-07-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

he took away...
the need to have meaning,
the feeling of beinghelpless,
the longing to be wanted,
the pain of being worthless,
the thirst to have beloning,
the hurt of being useless,
the craving to be needed...
and gave her love.

2008-06-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

i've always been the one who never quite fit in...
the one who never belonged...
the one on the outside looking in...
the one just longing to be apart of something for once in her life...
the one who always sticks out...
the one who was never like the rest...
the one no one wants to be...
the one no one wants to know...
the one no one wants to love...
the one no one wants to be around...
i've always been the one who never quite fit in...

2008-06-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

Look at this once strong wall…
These broken pieces once stood tall…
Now torn to the ground…
This once indestructible barrier…
Once kept out everything around me…
These now crumbled remains…
Were once my only protection…
They were my only separation from the war going on around me…
The undeclared war that is breaking me down…
The unspoken battle raging around me…
It has taken me under…
I'm now apart of this destruction…
I'm buried under these ruins…
I've been forgotten…
Along with this once amazing fortress…
That used to be 'me'…
It's gone….

2008-06-16T17:14:00.001-07:00

It took two lips to make one kiss…
It took two bodies to make one embrace…
It took two broken hearts to make one whole…
It took two people to make one journey…
It took two rings to make one beginning…
It took two dreams to make one life…

2008-06-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

I finally cried…
Over life…
Over death…
Over love…
Over loss…
Over healing…
Over heartache…
I finally cried…
But no one was there to hear it…

2008-05-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

my eyes are done crying over 'you'...
my lips are done kissing 'you'...
my lungs are done breathing for 'you'...
my mind is done thinking about 'you'...
my heart is done beating for 'you'...
i'm so done with 'you'.

2008-05-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

he has security in himself...

Those sad, searching, blue eyes,
Searching for security,
For one consistent thing in his life,
One thing he could count on in his future,
Searching for the confidence to go for his
dreams.

And he ended up finding it in himself,
Realizing that he had security in his
plans for the future,
He had consistent friends who were
always going to be there for him,
He will always be able to count
on his girl, no matter the situation.
And finding the confidence to grasp his
dreams and make them come true;
not settling for less because they
seemed so far away.

2008-04-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm scared…
I don't feel safe anymore…
But I don't have any control over it…
I'm too young to move out…
So all I can do is pray…
But I feel so helpless…
What if he does that to me…?
What if he hurts me that way…?
I don't know what to do…
You don't know what it's like, not to
feel safe anymore in the only place
I've ever actaully felt safe…
I'm scared…

2008-04-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

you make romeo and juliet look like a comedy...
your eyes put the stars to shame…
your smile makes the sun sink in embarrassment…
your face makes the sky go dark out of jealousy…
your heart makes the moon dim…
and your love humbles the angels...

2008-04-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

Lady Midnight
her eyes the color of the midnight blue,
with a twinkle like the midnight stars,
a face as white as the midnight moon,
lips as red as the midnight mars,
a voice as calm as the midnight silence,
her heart as cold as these midnights are,
containing a secret as dark as the midnight sky,
let lady midnight bear her heart.

2008-04-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

the end...
a fight about to begin,
an on going tug of war between a heart
beat and numbness of pain forever,
a struggle between the
living light and eternal darkness,
as a barrel meets a temple,
one side will claim the victory.
one last breath, and a pulse slows
to a stop...

2008-04-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

MURDERER
all alone,
on her own,
he wasn't man enough to stand by her,
now she is sustaining life inside her,
her life changed forever,
all for one night of pleasure,
two heartbeats in her teenage body,
a being thriving in her round form,
one hearts stops,
never to have a first breath,
it was a life she did not want,
such a sefish murderer.

2008-04-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

i use to think love was stupid, that it was only for people who found the only girl they could get, or that it was for people who gave up their dreams because they couldn't make them come true...and then i met a girl that made me feel good, and i thought i loved her, but she chose her own path and i couldn't go in the same direction she went, and we broke apart. my thoughts changed. i thought love was a wish that could never come true, that it only gave false hope that there was someone out there that you could love and never have to leave, but then i met you. you made me realize that love is more than just an idea. i love you Noelle, and I'll never give up what we have. i can't explain the way i feel when I'm with you, or even when i think about you. you're everything i ever wanted in a girl, and more importantly, you love me too. you are the only girl I'll ever want to be with. you are the girl i want to wake up next to and kiss good morning every day, and kiss good night every night. i want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. i love you. i love you more than i can even imagine. i cant live without you. i cant think about anyone but you, even when i try. i love you so much.

this post is for Noelle Watkins, the girl that has my heart. i love you baby

this was written by my "friend" who i am absolutely in love with... i love you justin

2008-03-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

nothing compared to the feeling she had of having her heart broken. litteraly feeling it being ripped out of her chest, still beating, and being able to feel it being sliced into three perfect pieces...one for every word he gave her, and just as easily took away.

nothing compared to having her heart being tenderly sewn back together. he litteraly picked up all the millions of tiny pices and gently put it back together into one piece and made it whole again...one whole, representing her life being put back together, never to break again.. because he was there keeping her from falling apart all over again.

2008-03-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

you brought my whole world crashing down...
there it is, on the pavement, in a million tiny peices...
look, there's the piece where you told me you loved me...
oh, there's the piece where you first asked me to be your girlfriend...
and there's the piece where i had to watch you walk away...

it's not your fault my life is in pieces...
well it is your fault but then again it isn't...
it is your fault because the reason my life is falling apart is because you're not in it...
but it isn't your fault because it was my fault you had to leave...
so i guess now i realize, i'm the one who brought all of it down on top of me...

because of my stupid mistake...
you were shoved out of my life...
but i can't live with out you...
and i don't know how much longer i will last...
i miss you, and my life hasn't been the same since you left...

2008-03-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

When I was little I used to believe in…
Wishing on shooting stars…
My dreams coming true…
Finding my prince charming…
And living happily ever after…
..........

But as I grew up, I started to realize…
You can't wish on a shooting star,it's just a rock…
My dreams won't come true unless I make them come true…
There's no such thing as a perfect man…
And no one lives happily ever after, it usually ends in divorce…
..........

But the moment I met you, I realized…
All those wishes on shooting stars were real…
You have made all my dreams come true…
You are my prince charming…
I will live happily ever after…
..........

…All because I fell in love with you…

2008-03-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

If someone asked you who I was… would you know?
Can you honestly say you ever truly knew me?
No Dad, you can’t…
You never took one minute out of your day to waste time getting to know me…
"Dad" is a label…"Daddy" is a privilege…
And to me… you’re only my dad…

2008-03-14T23:50:00.001-07:00

It hurts every time I hear someone say your name, over and over again…
It hurts every time I picture your face, over and over again…
It hurts every time I listen to your voicemails, over and over again…
It hurts every time I read your text messages, over and over again…
It hurts every time I think about our little inside jokes, over and over again…
It hurts every time I look for you, and realize you won’t be there, over and over again…
It hurts every time I hear a teacher accidentally call your name, over and over again…
It hurts every time I think back to when I got to see you every day, over and over again…
It hurts every time I see the baseball team leave for a game, over and over again…
These little memories hurt every time I think about them...
But as long as you are in those memories…
I would not trade them for the world…

2008-03-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

You promised never to let me fall…
Yet here I am on the ground, bloody and bruised…
And all you can do is stare…
With that blank expression of yours…
That stare I know all too well…
The one you gave me when u pushed me away…

Your eyes say it all…
They say you don't care and you never will…
They say it doesn’t pain you to see me lying here…
They say you didn't feel a thing when you turned around and walked away….
When all you had to do was reach down and help me up…
But that would mean you had to care….

You would have had to let your guard down…
You would have had to be vulnerable with someone…
And actually show someone some compassion…
Actually show someone that you had a heart…
You don't have one your self so now u want to kill mine…
You want to rip my still beating heart out all together…

Don't waste your precious breath…
There's nothing more you can say…
You apologized, but i know you didn't mean it…
Because that would mean you actually had some dignity…
Just do me a favor and walk away…
And take your pride and arrogance with you…

One day I will forget all about you…
But you will always remember me…
This is the last time you will hear my voice or see my face…
Now watch me walk out of your life forever…
And just remember…
I'm the one who lives happily ever after…

this is dedicated to kirill gillis... the one who inspired it and the one who showed me that i deserve better...and i found it...i love my superman

2008-03-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

i wish you were here with me right now.

i wish you were lying right next to me so my bed wouldnt be so cold.

i wish i could put my arms around u so my heart wouldnt be so cold.

my whole life is collapsing right here in front of me and i cant help but laugh.

all because of you.

"the love of my life wrote this to me on his blog and i thought it was just so beautiful, it's the kinda thing i'd write...sept he wrote it....you wouldn't get it unless you knew what happened but i thought it was just amazing......he always knows just what to say........."

*giggle*

I LOVE YOU JUSTIN SHAFFER

2008-03-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

i miss your warm hugs...

the ones that make me forget about everything else except that moment.

i miss your intense blue eyes...

the ones that lose me every time i look into them.

i miss your beautiful smile...

the one that makes me want to fly every time i see it.

i miss your amazing laugh...

the one that makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world every time i hear it

i miss YOU...

the one who always makes me fall in love all over again.

2008-03-05T18:22:00.000-08:00

i let the cold, wet tears stream out my crying eyes.

i watch the blood red droppletes form and flow from my freshly sliced wrist.

i feel the ripping, tearing of my still beating heart as it slowly, painfully

....stops....

i died the day i had to watch you walk away.

2008-02-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

i don't want to admit it,

but i may have to,

it has become my only control,

i'm scared but i have to face it,

it's become my lifestyle,

those around me see what's going on,

but they aren't sure,

it's the only thing i have a say in anymore,

they see the weight change,

but they don't suspect,

it's too late,

they are concerned,

but i can't change.

2008-01-20T15:36:00.000-08:00

Nothing can replace the dad he was...

Nothing can replace the many hours I've spent crying over him…
Nothing can replace the home I was forced to grow up in…
Nothing can replace the memories he made for me…
Nothing can replace the hate he showed me…
Nothing can replace the scars he gave me…
Nothing can replace the words he yelled at me…
Nothing can replace the broken childhood he gave me…
Nothing can replace the pain he has caused me for so long…
Nothing can replace the man my 'father' was supposed to be in my life…

2008-01-20T13:56:00.002-08:00

He is the reason I don't have blood dripping down my wrist,

He is the reason the scars on my wrist are fading,

He is the reason the cuts through my heart are healing,

He is the reason my broken heart is still beating,

He is the reason I wake up alive every morning,

He is the reason I have a reason to live,

And he's all mine.

2008-01-20T13:43:00.001-08:00

I don't cry myself to sleep...
I don't have to bleed to feel better...
I don't have to dream about the perfect guy...
I don't have to wear a fake smile...
I now know what true love is...
I understand what they are talking about
in those "cheesey" love songs...
I don't have to remember the past...
I can look forward to the future...
I can forget about all the guys who hurt me...
All because i found...
*H*I*M*
*J*U*S*T*I*N*, *I* *L*O*V*E* *Y*O*U*

2008-01-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

My daddy was never my first true love.
People say a girl's first true love is her daddy…
My first true love was a cold knife on my wrist.
My dripping blood cried for me.
A girl's hero is supposed to be her daddy…
My hero was my headphones drowning his loud, harsh voice .
My music cried for me…
My closet was my escape from my own personal hell.
My daddy has broken my heart so many times.
I would rather break every bone in my body than have a broken heart…
The ironic thing is that I have never broken a bone but I have had my heart broken many times.
He had all the chances in the world to tell me he loved me…
And one day he is going to wish he had taken one of them.

2008-01-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

Why is he slowly killing me?
Why is he doing this to me?
My cries are his lullabies…
My dying breath is his oxygen…
My blood is his water…
My scars are his drugs…
He lives off of my heartache…
He thrives off of my pain…
He has carved my deathbed…
He has written my final end…
Why is he slowly killing me?